Empty

“I went away full, but the Lord brought me back empty.” (Ruth 1:21)

Sorry for the silence lately. This has been a crazy disorienting time for us. If you haven't heard, the Central African Republic government has been overthrown by rebels. There is now a new president in power.

Last Sunday, all the missionaries in Gamboula left our homes in a hurry. For months, rumors and news about rebels had come to us, but we thought news was all that would reach us- we were confident that the skirmish would never reach our area since we are so far from the capital. None the less, Josh and I decided that it would be wise for us to leave the country on Sunday. We were already planning to go to Cameroon for vacation and a conference with the Evangelical Covenant Church so we decided to leave a little bit earlier. The rest of the missionaries were planning on staying put in Gamboula- that was until we learned that rebels were in fact in our town. We all left on Sunday in a hurry. I will spare you all of the details, but tell you that there was a lot of nail biting and praying along the way. God delivered us safely to Cameroon after many miracles!

For the last week and a half we have been staying in paradise- Kribi, Cameroon. It is a beautiful tropical beach town. We have stayed in lovely hotels (some even with air conditioning!) and eating yummy seafood. All of this has helped to buffer the loss and confusion we are feeling right now- or at least numb it some.

Right now we are at the missionary conference. We are studying missions in the book of Ruth. Verse 21 of Ch.1 spoke to me because it echoes what I am feeling now. Naomi left full, but came back empty.

When we started this journey, we sold almost everything we had- cars, clothes, furniture, on and on. I'll be honest, I am sinful and there was a mourning of the loss of our things. We left for Africa with 9 suitcases. A week before we evacuated, we finally received the container that was sent from the States in December. We had Christmas is March! We were giddy over candles and lotions that smelled so nice, yummy candy and other goodies that were so rare and precious. Because we packed for a beach vacation with the intent on returning afterward, we left most of our things behind. Thirty minutes after we left the mission station, our house was looted- to what extent we do not know, but we do know that some of our things are gone and there is a great chance that everything will also be taken. Now we have 4 suitcases to our name.

While the loss of things has been hard for me (not so much for Josh because he has always had little need of “things”), an even greater loss has been the loss of a ministry. We were just getting to a place where we knew the language, had friends and were making strides in our ministries. Gamboula felt like home. We will stay in Kribi for 2 more weeks, but after that we do not know what we will do. We pray that we can return to CAR quickly, but that scenario is looking unlikely. Right now it feels like we do not have a home or a purpose. We are refugees and jobless. We will probably stay in Yaounde (the capital of Cameroon) for a while and help out where we can while we wait- may at the international school. If it looks like we will not be able to reenter CAR for a while, we will search for other ministry options in Cameroon or neighboring countries.

The most devastating loss is the people we left behind. As our convoy of trucks fled the country, flocks of people lined the streets and waved goodbye. They are our friends, colleagues, and ministry partners. Our hearts breaks over the unrest in their country and their unknown future. I also mourn the loss of opportunity to share the love of Christ with those that are truly lost.

So right now, I feel like Naomi that said, Do not call me Pleasant (the meaning of Naomi), call me Mara- bitter. I am bitter, raw, sad, empty, confused, disillusioned, and disoriented. I came to Africa full, but now I feel empty. But that is what I love about the Bible, there are books like Ruth and Lamentations that say it is alright to feel that way. Our God understands. He is not threatened by our asking of why.

If you know the story of Ruth, you know that Naomi is not left empty handed. Her redeemer fills her until overflowing. I cling to this. I pray for this. I wait for this- not only for me, but for my friends and neighbors in CAR.